This is now part 3 in this series on being Orthodox in the Modern Business World.
The original post generated more questions in the comments section, some of which are addressed below in this post.
The second post yielded quite a theological discussion in the comments section that I found absolutely fascinating. This post about "explaining" is part theory and part tactics. I look forward to seeing where the comments take us in this discussion.
In my
first post on this topic, I wrote:
"Always Explain. I find it much easier to explain my religious practices in great detail before I get into any circumstance rather than try to find some lame excuse to avoid an uncomfortable situation thereafter. I find that people, co-workers, partners, competitors etc. are very understanding when you take the time to explain your situation."Most of us are saying to ourselves, "explaining is easier said than done." You are right, which is why this post took me a long time to write, will be much longer than other ones and will delve into more details - which, frankly, I was trying to avoid...So view this as a personal memoir and not a guide book.
Truly, there are two issues that make this complicated. First, there is SO MUCH to explain: Kosher Food, Yarmulke, Prayers and prayer times, inter-gender interactions, Shabbat, Holidays etc. Second, we are afraid that some of the issues may be interpreted in an offensive manner.
Explaining the long list of issues we deal with should not be viewed as tedious for your listener or an unending chore for you. It is a chance to educate yourself about your own religion, and you will be surprised to find out that others are happy to get educated. Human beings want to learn more about others. That is why they tour other countries, taste different cuisines, and study other cultures. Judaism is no different.
Additionally, I would submit that explaining your convictions (I use that word on purpose) in a humble, gentle and understanding manner, no matter where you draw the line in your practices (and I think on
some issues there are multiple places one can draw the line), you will end up in a better place. Most people are not looking to get offended unless they have some insecurity or unless you are arrogant and demeaning in your explanations. To illustrate this, I think it is useful to look at the most famous Jew, Moses. Moses is described by the Torah as the most humble person. He was not a zealot nor did he have a feeling of superiority. He learned from his non-Jewish father-in-law Jethro and deferred to others who began prophesying. He gently explained to Moab why he wanted to cross their land and retreated at a cost when he could not persuade Moab. There is a lesson in this.
Kosher FoodI spend lots of time explaining this. Hot vs cold food, knives vs. spoons, slaughter, split hooves, dairy and meat.....and of course wine. If I am invited to a place where there will be no kosher food, I send an email in advance explaining that I only eat Kosher food and am happy to join them wherever they like and my host should feel absolutely comfortable but that I will likely not be eating. When I arrive at said place, I remind my hosts again that I eat strictly kosher and will not likely be eating. This normally engenders the question "well there must be something you can eat?" I normally order a beer or drink at that point (beer on an empty stomach can sometimes not be a good idea) to make my hosts more comfortable (There was a 2000 article in the Red Herring on similar topic that I can't find a link to). I use the Atkins dieter in a Pasta restaurant as a parable that sometimes works.
I find it also helps to use self-deprecating humor as part of the explanations. Allow me to illustrate this with a story in a context where I actually had kosher food. I was speaking at a conference and sitting at a table with a group of people. The conference organizers had arranged kosher food for me. Everyone else's food had come out already and I saw that my table-mates were waiting for my food to arrive before starting to eat. I told them all to start eating, because even when my kosher food would arrive it would likely take me a while to start eating it. Those sitting at my table dug in and then it arrived, my very own mountain of aluminum foil. As I began to unwrap layer after layer of aluminum foil, accumulating quite a ball next to my plate, I saw everyone at the table stop eating. I explained that kosher food cannot be cooked in ovens with non-kosher food unless it is heavily wrapped, and then as I saw all eyes turn to the soccer ball of tin foil near my plate, I added "Oh, it takes a lot of self-confidence to eat kosher in public." Everyone quickly put their heads down and resumed eating.
PrayersBefore I go off and pray (mostly mincha), I always ask an assistant or the person I am meeting with if I can take a 5 minute break in a quiet room for "solemn prayers. " I explain that I cannot be disturbed during that time and would be much obliged if they could find me a quiet and closed room. I do not try to sneak away and find a place because I found that I cannot concentrate, thinking that someone may find me. It is much easier for your hosts and your own religious practice to simply say something up front. I often find myself explaining and giving answers to the following 2 questions in this context and am happy to share the answers.
1. Why do you pray three times a day?
Praying three times a day connects us with the entire beginning of Judaism. The forefathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob (everyone knows them) each chose a different time of day to pray according to the Bible and as a people we have adopted all three times. It is good to start and end your day with prayers as it reminds you of your priorities.
2. Why is the prayer only 5 minutes?
The Rabbis understood that people needed to work and had employers and were very sensitive to that. The work ethic is very important in Judaism as it is in Calvinism. So when the Rabbis formalized the prayer liturgy, they wanted to make sure that people did not waste the money of their employers or slack off the job. Hence, they instituted a short afternoon service during the workday.
I also find it is helpful to think about my schedule in advance and plan to pray mincha in an open time slot, even if it is earlier in the day, and not wait for the last minute.
More Eating Habits
This same approach holds for washing and grace after meals (benching). If I am in a Kosher restaurant and want to eat bread, I tell my guests at the beginning of the meal that we have a requirement to wash our hands before eating bread so I will be getting up to do that. Already at that point I tell them that it also comes with a minor inconvenience for them at the end of the meal as they will need to wait three minutes for me to do Grace After Meals. I have even once been asked to recite it out loud so the person could hear it. Most often, I do not wash so as to keep a slender figure.
Inter-Gender issuesMany religions place limitations on interaction between the sexes of varying levels. There are also numerous responsa within Judaism on how to handle these issues and I recommend that you read them. When dealing with these issues, I often explain that Judaism was very concerned with the family unit and the Rabbis, by observing the generations, developed a series of concentric circles of protection for the Jewish Family. This has led to a multitude of practices in this area and each person draws their own lines based on consultation with their families and rabbis. To be perfectly frank, this has been less of an issue for me than not wearing a wedding ring. My biggest issues have arisen when in various business interactions, my bare fingers have attracted inquiring questions as to my marital status. Those have been much stickier and I have found that explanations are of no use and I try my best to get away. The blog name has, I hope done much to relieve that (maybe I should print the blog address on my business card :)).
Inter-religion issues
I find that this issue arises in two cases: wine and entering churches. Typically, the question I get is what is the difference between kosher wine and non-kosher wine? After all, the grapes are the same! For the uninitiated, Orthodox Jews are forbidden to drink wine that is not boiled if it has been poured or prepared by non-Jews. I often get this question and explain that historically wine was used in idolatrous worship. Judaism, the fathering religion of monotheism, relentlessly fought idolatry and idolatrous worship practices throughout the generations. The rabbis built many prohibitions to significantly distance Jews from any symbol of idolatry. This approach was certainly effective over the generations while Jews lived in foreign lands, as Jews survived many attempts to convert them. Today, although there is certainly less-rampant idolatry, we maintain that practice, as the practice has helped maintain our people for many generations.
Shabbat and HolidaysThe world thinks that we have a huge number of holidays. Not working Chol Hamoed, compounds that impression. The truth is that our holidays are not as well engineered as American holidays around weekends or end of calendar year. There are not more Holiday days, they are simply more inconvenient to the work calendar. Additionally, our Sabbath and holidays are what I call shutdown days. There is no work allowed.
Truth be told, I am not sure how people survive in the modern frenetic business world without the Sabbath. It is a time to recharge batteries and make sure we connect with our wonderful families. Holidays or Festivals provide a historical anchor to this reconnection. It helps span all of our generations from the first Jewish Family of Abraham and Sarah to our own families. For me, this issue arises around scheduling calls and board meetings. I take the time to lay out the "off-dates" in advance. Everyone you work with, in their own way, has off-dates. It may be birthdays or family vacations or Presidents Day in the U.S. In Europe, the entire month of August is off. Our off days just happen to be scattered around the year. Explain this well in advance to your co-workers, partners, people at other companies. This one is easy to explain.
With this as a background, in my next post, I hope to discuss the issue of consistency